Amerikalog.com

“Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama took on the teachers union by saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions is like Rush Limbaugh going after the doughnut manufacturers.” –Jay Leno

“And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do.” –Jay Leno

“This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven’t seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan’s fantasy camp.” –Seth Meyers

“Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she’s been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler.” –Seth Meyers

“When the president met with Queen Elizabeth, he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway show tunes while she gave him a silver framed picture of her and Prince Phillip. There were no winners in that gift exchange, because when I think of things an 83-year-old, super-rich British woman would want, an iPod is pretty far down the list, right between a bus pass and sneakers with the wheels on the bottom.” –Seth Meyers

“And when I think of what a 47-year-old, super-cool black dude would want, a picture of an 83-year-old white lady is last. Now I’m not saying it’s easy to buy the Queen a gift. She wears the same outfit every day and her only hobby is waving.” –Seth Meyers

“But if you’re looking for gift ideas for foreign leaders, you should check with the State Department and not Sasha and Malia. And while we’re at it, Queen, a picture of yourself is not a good gift. Let’s try to remember, you’re world leaders, not Secret Santas.” –Seth Meyers

” He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse.” –Bill Maher

“Then it was on to Germany, for Obama. The Germans offered to let him fire the CEO of Volkswagen.” –Bill Maher

“Conservatives aren’t happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he’s interfering with private industry’s ability to run our country into the ground.” –Bill Maher

“And guess which state joined the gay marriage bandwagon? You’ll never guess: Iowa. Iowa’s gay population, all two of them, rejoiced. Of course, they’ll wake up in the morning and think, ‘Oh, s**t, we live in Iowa.’” –Bill Maher

“A lot of Americans don’t understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president.” –Jay Leno

“President Barack Obama gave a stern warning to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il not to go ahead with their plan to fire test missiles. Pretty stern warning to. He told him, ‘Hey, look what happened to the president of General Motors.’” –Jay Leno