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“Joe Biden’s replacement in the Senate has been picked. I don’t know who it is yet, but that’s a hell of a job. That’s a very big mouth to fill.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s Top 10 Sarah Palin Excuses For the Turkey Slaughter

10. I can see Russia, but I can’t see what’s going on 5 feet behind me
9. Not thinking straight after spending all night reading every newspaper and magazine
8. Damn “gotcha” media got me again!
7. My Remington shotgun says I don’t need an excuse
6. Those were Al Qaeda turkeys
5. I thought they were just torturing the little guy
4. I mean, doggonit, you know, like we have to lower taxes, and like, it all falls under job security, and we need to drill, you know?
3. Uh, stomach flu?
2. I’ll get right back to ya! I’m still adorable, America
1. Don’t blame me! Blame Joe the Turkey Slaughterer

“Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. … But, see, like most internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin’s voice, the turkeys said ‘Kill us now.’” –Jay Leno

“In an editorial this week, Mitt Romney said we should let Detroit go bankrupt. He feels the car industry is not worth bailing out. The only industries that Romney would bail out? The tanning booth industry, tooth polishing industry and hair dye industry. Everything else can pretty much go to hell.” –Jay Leno

“The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for homeland security chief is Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. Her first job? Find out who leaked her name.” –Jay Leno

“Well you know what’s really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn’t president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.’” –Jay Leno

“And how out of it is President Bush? Today, they asked him what he thought about Napolitano; he said, ‘It’s delicious, especially the strawberry part.’” –Jay Leno

“You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.” –David Letterman

“How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she’s very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she’s got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal.” –David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes.’” –Conan O’Brien