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“How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don’t worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher.” –David Letterman

“And they said, well, how about writing a book? She said, ‘You betcha. As long as I don’t have to read it.’” –David Letterman

“Seven million dollars. So maybe now she can afford her own clothing.” –David Letterman

“Barack Obama, like many people, uses a Blackberry, but the Secret Service says this is a security hazard, so they took it away. I’m thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What’s the problem?” –David Letterman

“Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.” –David Letterman

“Everybody is excited about this, like a rock-and-roll star this Barack Obama. And remember at the convention or something and he did that thing with his wife, the fist-bump? And so now is, like, doing the fist-bump. And don’t confuse that fist-bump with the last Democratic president’s trademark. That was the intern-bump.” –David Letterman

“It’s now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually, this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs.” –Jay Leno

“The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.” –Jay Leno

“President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Did you see that? They got together. … And both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.” –Conan O’Brien

“For those that don’t follow politics closely, the secretary of state is the person who travels all over the world, meeting with foreign leaders for weeks and sometimes months at a time with long stretches of being away from his or her husband, but that’s just a sacrifice Bill isn’t willing to make. It’s almost as if he told Obama, ‘Listen, I’ll campaign for you, I’ll raise money, just get her the hell out of here, as far away as possible.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman’s Top Ten Things Overheard During Obama’s Meeting With McCain
10. Oh, just preparing to be President. What have you been up to?
9. I know a guy who would be a perfect Secretary of Plumbing.
8. What is the deal with that Alaskan babe?
7. Let’s wrap this up; Wheel of Fortune’s on.
6. Seriously, what was the deal with that Alaskan babe?
5. Actually, it’s now the “Straight Talk Express and Girls Gone Wild bus.”
4. Uh John, this isn’t another debate.
3. Where’s the soup? Someone said there’d be soup!
2. I know I’m trailing by 192 electoral votes two weeks after the election, but I’ve got you right where I want you!
1. Maybe you’d be President-elect if you hadn’t crossed Letterman