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“Right after the vote, President Bush met behind closed doors with his economic team. Yeah, that was my thought too. Bush has an economic team?” –Jay Leno

“Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what’s going on.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new ‘just say no’ program. McCain told Sarah Palin, ‘If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!’” –Jay Leno

“Did you all watch the presidential debate Friday night? You know, a lot of analysts were calling it a tie; they say neither man stumbled. That’s how low the bar is now. Apparently not stumbling is considered a huge accomplishment in politics. He didn’t stumble, fantastic!” –Jay Leno

“I love the way the moderator, Jim Lehrer, tried to get both candidates to talk to each other. What are we in couples-counseling now? Tell him how that made you feel.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin actually watched the debates very closely. Actually she watched with one eye the debate and the other eye across on Russia, because you never know.” –Jay Leno

“A lot of Republicans are worried about how Sarah Palin’s gonna do in the vice-presidential debate this Thursday. See you know what she should do if she was smart? This what I would do if I were Sarah Palin. This is what I would tell her. Let Joe Biden have the first question, he’ll take 90 minutes to answer, oh, we’re out of time! Who could have seen that coming?” –Jay Leno

“Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right know, you know, she’s busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself. Think about it.” –Jay Leno

“Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it.” –Jay Leno