“Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Or as I call it “When Relatives Attack”. ” - Jay Leno
“Did you hear about the man out east that stabbed two relatives after they criticized his table manners? The worst part about it – he used the wrong knife.” - Jay Leno
“Rumors are going around on who CBS will replace Dan Rather with. I think CBS will surprise everyone by picking a middle age white guy.” - Jay Leno
“It’s the day after Thanksgiving. The busiest shopping day of the year. I went to the mall and I was pushed, I was shoved, I was groped, I was fondled – hell, I’m going back tomorrow.” - David Letterman
“I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. The bad thing about eating too much food on Thanksgiving is that you don’t have much room left over for binge drinking.” - David Letterman